


Rookie Mistake

by LucentPetrichor



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Author regrets nothing, M/M, Slice of Life, and clint likes the air vents, author rues and laments many things, but regrets nothing, but we love him because he's funny motherfuckers, fury is a sadistic so and so, i take no responsibility for any brain damage caused, i think, methinks those should just be tags for everything i write ever..., sort of cracky, vending machines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 22:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucentPetrichor/pseuds/LucentPetrichor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one, but no one, touches Phil Coulson's vending machine. Well, unless they're the world's best marksman with a sarky sense of humour and a wonderful arse. Still...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rookie Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely [her](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Salmonderiel/pseuds/Salmonderiel) fault. Blame Skype conversations and all too frequent headcanoning. Actually, it may not be all her fault, I wrote the thing, so...
> 
> Set pre-Avengers because these two so totally became a couple when they were at SHIELD together before. I'm thinking... Budapest? -shark grin-

It was general knowledge that the vending machine on the fifth floor was Coulson’s. More specifically, the M&Ms were Coulson’s and if anyone else so much as looked at them... well, they’d have to find a way to sleep with their eyes open. It was such a revered rule that it was actually one of the main points in the very first briefing given to junior agents before they started work for SHIELD and the slow descent into the madness of the corporation.  
For the most part, rookies were too terrified to not pay attention at these briefings, but there was always the odd one; the one cocky so-and-so who thought they could zone out because they’d made it this far and actually got the job. These were Fury’s favourites – they were always such fun to see beaten down after slipping up, and say what you want about SHIELD, their agents had some pretty creative minds when it came to things like revenge.

Back to the vending machine. That vending machine was literally sacred; Coulson had taken a shine to it back when he got promoted to a level ten, and no one had dared go near it since, not with the man’s reputation on the field being exaggerated so much. It would have been slightly less amusing, had the exaggerations been false; Coulson’s skill in the field surpassed all exaggerations. And he wouldn’t have it any other way. But then he got given the charming job of being a certain Clint Barton’s handler. Clint Barton, the snarkiest and most childish man Coulson had ever had the displeasure to handle. And he kept using Coulson’s vending machine. In short, Coulson was not happy. Not happy at all. Especially since, no matter how many times he tried to catch Barton in the act of stealing his food, the damned man was never at the scene of the crime when he was meant to be. The security cameras were _always_ disabled when these little raids were conducted, they were never at the same time from one day to the next, and, as much as it pained Coulson to admit it, Barton was _good_ and that demanded a grudging sort of respect from the G-man.

He was also rude, too clever for his own bloody good, far too good an agent to get rid of, and had a horrible disregard for personal bubbles. He turned up late to briefings, never gave in paperwork in time, grinned at Coulson in a way that should have been outlawed the first time it ever appeared on the man’s face... he drove Coulson crazy and stole his food, he never told Coulson how he managed to evade capture, he talked too much. And he kissed so fucking well, it left Coulson weak at the knees every damn time. That was Clint’s saving grace, the only reason Coulson had waited so long to booby trap the vending machine. There was something about the man that had fascinated him. Well, that and the fact that he still hadn’t figured out how the archer had been swiping M&Ms so effectively, but that didn’t really matter anymore; one of the perks of being involved with Coulson was that he could use the vending machine without being in danger of getting tased, he just got threatened. Which is more than an unfortunate rookie could say, after failing to pay attention in his very first briefing.  
Fury’s grin could rival the Cheshire Cat’s for sheer madness when he realised what was going to happen, insisted that every security camera on the fifth floor be upgraded to something that could record in HD, informed Coulson that his vending machine was in danger again, and settled back in his chair for a rare few moments of relaxation. Coulson was more than happy to provide SHIELD’s near insane director with entertainment, especially if it meant that he actually got to catch someone who was using his precious vending machine. So naturally, he booby trapped it.

~*~

A clink of coins, a _whirr-kthunk_ noise, a buzz followed by a shriek and a heavy sounding _thump_.

Lying immobile on the floor, the unlucky agent looked up at the smirking face of Phil Coulson. “Rookie mistake, kid. You’re not as skilled as Clint Barton therefore you don’t get away with this because I don’t tolerate you as much. And next time, listen at briefings,” The smirk widened and became a grin, “The shock’ll wear off after about an hour or so, but I recommend going to the med bay about those no doubt aching muscles you’ll have,” He reached and pulled the packet of chocolates out of the kid’s slack grip, “Mine, I think.” And with that, Coulson strolled away, swaggering a little with a small smile on his face, tossing M&Ms in the air and catching them in his mouth every so often.

It was quiet, but as he lay on the floor twitching now and again, the agent could have sworn he heard giggles coming from the ceiling. Coulson clearly heard them too, because he froze, looked up and swore as the giggles grew gradually louder, turned to march back down the corridor only to come face to upside-down face as Clint swung bat-like from a pipe in the ceiling with an ear splittingly huge grin on his face. Coulson stood frozen in shock for about a millisecond and this was all the time Clint needed to press a quick kiss to his mouth.

“Hi, love!” The bastard was still hanging upside down, completely at ease, ignoring the fact that a, still twitching, junior agent was lying on the floor behind him able to see everything that was going on.

“That’s ‘sir’.” Coulson remained wary of the incapacitated junior; what if word got out that Coulson was in fact human and capable of love?

“Oh, I love it when you pull rank, love! _Sir_ love.” The grin that should be illegal was back. Coulson tried to ignore it, and the fluttery feelings in his stomach that the sight of it brought.

“So, is that how you were breaking into my vending machine before?”

“Maybe. Gonna cost you a kiss to find out. A proper one, mind, I’ve never tried Frenching while upside down. At least, not with this part of your body...” This was accompanied by a wink that quickly joined Coulson’s list-of-things-that-Clint-did-that-should-be-outlawed-because-of-the-effect-they-had-on-him. It was a very long list.

“BARTON!”

It was too much for the junior and he was swept away to the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness to the sound of a certain archer’s insane cackling and his partner’s quiet reluctant chuckles. 

**Author's Note:**

> Revieeeeeeews. I like them! Let me know if I caused any sort of brain damage so I can feel appropriately guilty after cackling for a bit.
> 
> Does anyone actually know where the whole 'Clint hiding in the ventilation system' thing started, anyway? I'm in love with the idea, it's got Clint stamped all over it but is it canon or from some genius fan?


End file.
